For any pastor, being a “family man” is non-negotiable. The Bible says, “He must manage his own family well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive, for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?” (1 Timothy 3:4-5).   

The message resounds loud and clear – only nominate men as pastors who are already engaged in effective shepherding at home. Indeed, the family is the key testing ground for being an elder.

Unfortunately, this aspect of elder qualifications is often overlooked. Some men reason to themselves, “I can’t be both a good father and a minister. If I want to keep my job and be successful as a pastor, then I’m going to have to limit family time.”    

It doesn’t have to be that way.

In fact, being a family man and serving as a pastor go hand in hand. As you make yourself available to your family, and invest deeply in that ministry, you will actually grow in your overall pastoral skills and giftedness.

Here are 5 ways being a family man enhances your ministry.

Better teacher

Typically, I teach the bible to our children about 5 days a week. I simply take a passage of Scripture, read it, offer a few comments, and then ask a few questions. I sometimes supplement this with time in the catechism, singing a couple songs or hymns, and finish up with prayer. This is often called “family worship” (link to relevant F on the F article).

Our twin daughters are 13 now, and we have been doing this for years. If you do the math, that is literally hundreds of short “home bible studies.” Safe to say, this habit has enabled me to grow in my ability to handle the Scriptures, and even how to anticipate and answer questions.

Family worship doesn’t take long (usually around 15 minutes), but it will benefit the whole family, including you.  

Better counselor

As children get older, they naturally start to ask tons of questions. Sometimes this is annoying, but pastors (and all parents) need to see this for what it is – a great opportunity.

Proverbs 3:1 says, “My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments, for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you.”

As a father spends time with his children, it creates space for questions, conversation, and the imparting of wisdom. This ministry will usually go unnoticed by church members, but not by your children.

Counselling is tricky business. As you deal with the basic questions of life (the kind children tend to ask), it’s only going to help you better handle the messy and difficult questions that inevitably arise in pastoral ministry.   

Showing humility

Confession is hard. But it is really hard when you have sinned against your own family – your wife and children. 

Being a pastor does not give you immunity from sin. Just like in any relationship, when your sin is directed against the members of your family, there is a need for humility and confession. These can be precious times where your relationship actually grows. A father (and a husband) who is quick to confess sin will not go unnoticed.

As a pastor humbly shepherds his family, it will enhance his ability to pastor his church in the same manner. In everything, strive to point your wife and children to the amazing grace of God that comes by way of the gospel. Truly, God is in the business of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18-21), and we want to model that to those around us, particularly our families.

Implementing discipline

Let’s be honest. It’s hard to discipline children! If you are pastor, you will know it is even harder to practice effective church discipline.

Discipline has fallen on hard times at home and in the church, yet both are grounded in the teaching of Scripture. The Bible says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

The Dad who never says “no” is in trouble. The Dad who never practices corrective discipline is falling short of his God-given responsibility. So too the pastor/elder who runs away from church discipline.  

There is sometimes a need for church discipline (1 Corinthians 5:1-2). There is sometimes a need for those who have fallen to be restored (Galatians 6:1). This is not a responsibility to be shirked. If you avoid discipline in the home, chances are you will avoid it in the church.   

God’s purposes in discipline are vast and varied, but it all stems back to love. As Hebrews 12:6 explains, “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves.” When God disciplines us, it is a sign of his love. When a father disciplines his son or daughter, it too is a sign of his love.

Parental discipline is rarely easy. But as you practice it judiciously and in a spirit of love, it will help you grow as a pastor.

Loving your wife 

Many a pastor’s wife becomes a victim of ministry. She is there behind the scenes for her husband, but he is not there for her. It is common to justify this by pointing to the all-consuming, demanding nature of pastoral ministry. But Scripture won’t let us off the hook that easily. 

The Bible says, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). If there is one thing your church needs to see, it is you loving your wife in a Christ-like manner. This requires time. Every pastor should view his wife as a critical part of his ministry and strive to find ways to minister to her.  

When a husband joyfully, sacrificially, tenderly and unconditionally loves his wife, it serves to put the gospel on display. This is something every church needs in their pastor(s). 

Conclusion

Obviously, the pastor can’t spend all his time with his family. There will be times where you want nothing more than to be at home with your family, but for whatever reason, you can’t. However, it is possible to be a faithful “family man” and invest a portion of your time in home life.     

Indeed, the family is a “little church” of sorts. As you lean into the critical ministry at home, you will grow in your ability to minister to your broader church family.

If this resonates with you, it may be appropriate to talk to your elders and fellow leaders. Perhaps you know there is a need to give more to your family, but feel trapped and taxed with current responsibilities. Be honest with them. Pray that they see where you are coming from and your sincere desire to minister to your family.

Few pastors will ever feel like they have mastered the balancing act that is family ministry. But success is possible! Don’t put it off. Take a step or two in the direction of becoming more invested in your family. As you do so, God will be honored, your wife and kids will benefit, and you will actually become a better pastor.