It had been a while since Beth broke up with Dave. The pain he caused her was real and still fresh in her mind. Beth told herself over and over, “I’ve forgiven him” but deep down she was not so sure about that. Feelings of anger and resentment sometimes bubbled over in her and she struggled to get Dave out of her mind. Recently, she started to wonder if she had really forgiven her ex-husband or if she was just telling herself that? These feelings and questions are common among those who have been through a tough breakup, or have been hurt in any way.
There are several reasons why forgiveness is critical. In Beth’s situation, she needed to forgive Dave for his sake, as he dealt with the guilt of his actions. She also needed to forgive for her own well-being. Beth had become virtually paralyzed, even struggling to function at times. Her feelings of anger and unforgiveness were holding her back in numerous ways. Beth also needed to forgive for the sake of those around her, particularly her children. Though young, they could tell that Mommy was not the same, and they knew it had something to do with Daddy.
Forgiveness is Necessary
The bible has much to say about forgiveness. In one example, Jesus said that we shouldn’t place limits on forgiveness (Matt 18:21-22). Jesus taught that we don’t get to pick and choose who we should forgive or if a particular offense is too great. Instead, forgiveness is assumed. We see this in the Lord’s Prayer, where it says, “and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (Matt 6:12).
Forgiveness is not easy, and it will take time, but it is necessary. That is what the Bible teaches, and that is what Jesus modeled on the cross. It will not look the same for everyone, particularly those who have been in abusive situations, but forgiveness is a must. You will need God’s help and the help of Christians around you, but I assure you that forgiveness is possible.
Maybe you are already convinced that forgiveness is necessary, and are working to that end, but are not sure you are making progress. Here are 4 ways to know if you have forgiven someone.
You can think of them without having a negative reaction
When you think of your offender, you don’t experience intense anger, sadness or resentment. The visceral reactions that were common are now gone. On rare occasions, you might succumb to such feelings, but you don’t dwell there.
There will be things that put this to the test. In Beth’s case, she sometimes disagreed with how Dave was parenting their children. She questioned, for example, some of the TV programs he was allowing them to watch, and how that was negatively affecting their attitudes. After confronting him, it escalated into yet another fight. Beth was angry at first, but eventually she let it go, knowing there was nothing further she could do.
You have no desire to retaliate
After you have been hurt, it is common to fantasize about “getting even.” One of the ways, however, to know you have forgiven someone is by surrendering what you once considered a “right.”
Jesus set a wonderful example for his followers. Even though he did not sin or harm anyone, he was placed on a cross and crucified. Jesus could have defended himself, but he chose not to retaliate” (1 Peter 2:22-23). The bible says, “Do not repay evil for evil, or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless” (1 Peter 3:9).
A sign that forgiveness has taken root in your heart is when you are not slandering and telling others how much your offender has hurt you.
You have acknowledged your own sin
Sin is not conforming to God’s perfect standard of righteousness. We often think of sin as just the big stuff – murder, theft, adultery, etc. But according to Jesus, even anger towards another person can be sin (Matt 5:22).
In any relationship, both parties will sin against one another. To clarify, in some break-ups, there is a clear “guilty party”. For example, if there was abuse, infidelity, or abandonment, etc. in your relationship, I am not suggesting that you were equally culpable. But the bible says “all have sinned” (Rom 3:23) and there may have been ways you hurt them. Part of your own forgiveness journey is recognizing your own sin, and acknowledging how your behavior weakened the relationship. If you are humble enough to search your own heart in that way, it is another sign there is forgiveness is taking root in your life.
You are able to move on with life
When you are able to look forward without constantly dwelling on past hurts, that is a good sign. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you have “forgotten” everything or are fully trusting of them, but you are not holding it against them. The mental paralysis that you once experienced has been replaced by optimism and expectancy. If your hurt has turned to hope, that is another sign that forgiveness is taking root in your heart.
Forgiveness is hard. Choosing to release the pain (and sometimes even trauma) that you have felt, is one of the hardest things in life to do. But remember that much is at stake. If you approach your situation with a “conditional forgiveness” perspective, you will probably be disappointed and not move forward. It is possible that your offender never has or never will confess their sin against you. You must still choose to forgive. That doesn’t mean that you should fully trust them in every situation and let down your guard, but forgiveness is necessary.
The wonder of the gospel is that even though our sins are great, God mercy is greater (Isaiah 1:18). We should all be stunned that God, in Christ, counts not our sin against us, and why we must take to heart what the Scripture says, “As the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (Col 3:13).
For a sermon that deals with forgiveness, click here.
