Marriage is a gift of God. “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22). When a couple decides to tie the knot, we should celebrate and rejoice with them. As Christians, we always want to elevate the beauty and goodness of marriage.  

But there is another side to this.

Divorce stats are not particularly encouraging. Both husband and wife carry baggage and wounds into the marriage, and it’s just a crazy, sin-saturated world. In short, marriage is tough!  

Pastors feel the weight of responsibility when it comes to pre-marital counseling. Obviously, you want to equip the engaged couple with as many tools as you can. But unless you plan on doing 6 months of weekly counseling, you will not be able to cover everything. Prioritization is a must!

Here are 6 things you should cover in your pre-marital counseling.  

Gospel

When a couple ties the knot, it is natural for them to think, “this is about us.” We got married because we love one another, and now we get to spend the rest of our lives enjoying one another. And yes, that is part of it, but that is far from the whole picture.

In an ultimate sense, Marriage is not about you. Marriage is about pointing to another reality – “Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her!” (Ephesians 5:25). Marriage is intended to give the world a picture of the covenant love of Christ for His bride, the church.

If you have the privilege of doing pre-marital counseling, aim to center the sessions upon the gospel. In my experience, couples are often “gospel illiterate.” They know “Jesus died for my sin,” but they have little understanding how the gospel relates to the whole of life.

Remind the couple that there will be times where they don’t “like” one another very much. Nonetheless, they must choose to love one another through thick and thin. Giving and withholding love based upon the performance of your spouse is a recipe for disaster. However, loving one another unconditionally reflects the covenant love of Christ. That’s what marriage is all about.        

Intimacy

As a counsellor, you want to affirm the goodness and beauty of sex. God intends couples to enjoy this gift frequently and exclusively within the confines of the marriage union. If couples are going to enjoy this gift to the max, they must foster “intimacy” within their relationship.

Sex as an act is not necessarily intimate. It is often just an act of self-indulgence, lust, or impulse. In contrast, intimacy is the deep heart connection that comes from thinking of your spouse before yourself. It starts well before clothes are off and passions are high.  

When intimacy is not the focus of a marriage then sex becomes something men “don’t get enough of” and women “feel obligated to give”. 

During counseling sessions, make it clear that they are friends before lovers. Husbands especially need to be reminded that great sex doesn’t start at 10pm when they arrive in the bedroom. It starts first thing in the morning as couples choose to serve one another in love (Galatians 5:13).

Secrets 

In our modern world, it is all too easy to live separate lives. Wives will run up a credit card without consulting their husbands, or spend hours of unaccounted time, scrolling or watching. Husbands will buy another gun, another tool, another toy, and spend hours watching sports or playing video games. They will stay up late, only to watch porn or indulge in other secret activities. Left unchecked, these behaviors will eventually kill a marriage.  

In your counseling sessions, warn against the habit of keeping secrets, which lends itself to living separate lives. In marriage, husband and wife are meshed together in a powerful way. It is a “one flesh” union (Genesis 2:24, Ephesians 5:31). Living separate lives is not an option. Communication and mutual accountability must be built into the marriage. Couples don’t need to tell one another everything, but when it comes to things like finances, children, schedule, hobbies, etc., communication is a must.

Kids 

When my wife and I first got married, we put together a 5-year plan. Sadly, the plan didn’t include children. The redeeming part of the story is that God’s plan trumped our plan (Proverbs 16:9) and the birth control didn’t work. A month after celebrating our second anniversary, Steph gave birth to twins! Since then, we have come to see parenting as one of the greatest blessings of our lives.

The Bible says, “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward” (Psalm 127:3). Sometimes couples approach family planning from the perspective of “once we get our lives in order and have career stability, then we will have kids.” They often come to regret that approach.      

The creation mandate remains – “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth!” (Genesis 1:28). Children are not an inconvenience, but a blessing! Remind the couple that God gives Christian parents the great privilege and responsibility of bringing up little ones in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4).

Expectations

One of my favorite books on marriage is called, What Did You Expect?” by Paul Tripp. This book offers a needed reality check for many. Yes, marriage is an enormous blessing, but it’s downright hard at times! When two sinners join in holy matrimony, there will always be challenges.

What often brings couples together is their commonality. However, husband and wife are rarely in complete alignment on everything. Maybe the husband thrives off of travel and vacation time, while the wife is more of a homebody. Encourage them to talk and work out a plan to “meet in the middle” beforehand.

How will we spend our money? Who will do the finances? How many kids do we want? What church will we attend? How often will we visit the in-laws? This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to questions to talk through. But when a couple loves the Lord and loves one another, they have the necessary foundation to work through expectations and differences.

Prayer

Simply put, couples that pray together, stay together! That’s not the only thing that will keep a marriage intact, but it certainly goes a long way in that direction.

Ever since my wife and I got married, we have made a habit of praying together morning and evening. This has been a huge blessing, and it has served to strengthen and solidify our bond of love. 

As you do pre-marital counseling, be realistic. Remind them that marriage is hard! They will go through trials and suffering. Only by the grace of God will their marriage thrive, grow, and be a mutual joy.

For a helpful resource to help future husbands, check out my mini-book, “Help! I want to be Loving Husband” published by Shepherd Press.