Pastors are constantly planning. Whether it be sermons, worship services, counselling appointments, Bible study’s or other meetings, the pastor is certainly not foreign to planning. But they can’t plan for the unexpected death of a church member.

A key part of pastoral ministry is that of grief ministry. When death touches your congregation, you need to be prepared. The family will be hurting, sometimes even crushed by their loss. Grief ministry is a huge opportunity, as you inevitably end up ministering to people outside of your church. It is also a huge challenge. And no matter how long you have been pastoring, it remains a challenge.

Following the death of a church member, there are a few things to keep in mind concerning your initial visit with loved ones and then the work of following up.  

Presence

Phone calls and texts have their place, but in a moment of crisis and loss, you need to be there for the family. In most cases, you should drop what you are doing and pick it up later on. Your presence is most needed.   

When you arrive, aim to listen patiently. Don’t make them try to feel better immediately. Too often the pastor shows up on the scene with a clear agenda to provide comfort and guidance through his many words. Though well intentioned, this strategy often flops because it devalues the power of “presence.” What is most needed during these crisis moments are not platitudes and clichés, but empathy and compassion.

We have heard about Job’s “miserable comforters” (Job 16:2) and how they failed in their attempts to speak into his suffering. We sometimes forget that they started off well. After hearing of his tremendous woes, they sat with him for a whole week without saying a word (Job 2:13). Their presence was enough. This serves as a great model for pastors and everyone involved in grief ministry.

When you do feel it is appropriate to speak, remind the bereaved that God is right there with them in their pain and grief (Psalm 34:18). As they process everything that has transpired, it is not unusual for them to question God. Remind them that God is in this, and He will use it for good (Romans 8:28). It is not your job to defend God, but empathetically remind them of the character of God – his love, grace, mercy, and compassion.  

Passage of Scripture

The Bible is full of wonderful promises that can serve to comfort the grieving. It is your job as pastor to point them relevant passages. One such passage is 2 Corinthians 1:3-4: ³ Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Other passages include Psalm 46, Matthew, 5:4, John 16:33, and 1 Peter 5:7. It is always helpful to memorize portions of Scripture that pertain to grief ministry. The last thing you want to do is to show up and not be ready.

There will be times where you don’t know what to say, but God’s Word is powerful (Hebrews 4:12)! It will minister to the bereaved in ways that you cannot comprehend.  

Present Christ

Sometimes we take for granted that Jesus entered into our humanity, even our grief and suffering. Jesus is described as being “a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53:3). When Lazarus died, Jesus could have intervened in order to spare the family of their deep grief. Instead, Jesus delayed his visit by a couple days and when he arrived, He empathized with Mary and Martha. We are even told, “Jesus wept” (John 11:35) before raising Lazarus.

Jesus is a kind and merciful Savior. Remind the family that Jesus knows exactly what they are going through (Hebrews 4:15). Christ suffered, bled, and died for all of His people, and now he lives to intercede for them (Romans 8:35, Hebrews 7:25).  

Prayer

One of the most important things the pastor can do is to pray. Certainly, prayer before and after your visit is critical, but your prayer during the pastoral visit is particularly important. It doesn’t have to be long (please don’t turn it into a mini-sermon). But take very seriously the magnitude of what you are doing.

This should always be a prayer of comfort and hope that points the family to Jesus and the hope of the gospel. It should serve as another reminder that God is near in the midst of their pain, and that He is the God of all peace and comfort.

Point them to good resources

My wife and I love to recommend books and resources to those around us, but obviously there is a time and a place for that. Don’t be too quick to hand the grieving a book or a pamphlet. They often feel paralyzed and unable to do much of anything. Being handed a book will potentially seem cold and insensitive. However, after they make it through the initial trauma, it is often appropriate to point them to helpful, gospel rich resources.

One of the most helpful books dealing with this subject is James White’s, Greiving: Your Path Back to Peace. Another helpful resource is Bob Kelleman’s, Grief: Walking with Jesus, which is a 31 day devotional.  Our church has been hosting a GriefShare ministry for over a decade, and it has been a huge help to dozens of people in our area. If there is a GriefShare or another similar ministry in your area, be sure and recommend it.

Plan

There are undoubtedly people in your church who can empathize and care for the bereaved in meaningful ways. Do all that you can to encourage those interactions. Practical support like providing meals and transportation can prove invaluable to a hurting family.  

A dear lady in our church battled cancer for over a year before succumbing to it just a few months ago. During that time, her and her husband received over 400 cards, the majority coming from our church family. I can’t take any credit for this. It simply happened organically.

Within your church, strive to create a culture of care where the Body of Christ can be deployed. Those deep in grief need the ministry of the whole Body of Christ, not just the pastor.

As a final word, don’t forget to follow up with the family. Offering an initial burst of support, without maintaining contact over the long haul falls short of our biblical calling. Sometimes the hardest seasons of grief are not the weeks that follow, but the months. As much as you can, be there for them. Remind them that by the grace and sustaining power of Jesus, they will make it through. “Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning” (Psalm 30:5).